Growing up

One of my friends from college and high school came over to stay with me. While he was here, I could see the seeds of an angry, frustrated, un-empathetic jerk. What started off a small seed, grew to a big plant, and then night ended with me screaming at him in frustration and anger.
I think I saw some of my old self in him which made me realize how far I've come and how far I need to go. If you polled all my friends, and asked them if I'm an angry person, or if I'm an angry drunk, or if I get angry, contrary to what the blog title says, I'm actually very calm. I exhibit none of the outward symptoms of anger. I've dealt with a lot of repressed anger. I've found various avenues to release the pent up anger, I play video games, I write violent fiction. But these are temporary outlets - unless you find the root cause of your anger, you are not going to find peace.

My root cause has always been my family. For the few that read the blog, you understand what the problems are. It's a typical Indian mentality - a sense of pride for really not doing anything other than being born in a place. This mentality isn't restricted to just Indians - think of any racist culture, or white supremacists. I know I'm taking an extreme example, but the idea is the same, YOUR culture, somehow that you did really nothing to gain membership into is somehow BETTER than others, and if you go away from it, you are going to HARM it. This is absolute nonsense. Culture is how you live, not where you are born or the color of your skin, or your religion.

Still, holding on to the antiquated notion of culture, and that things will not work unless people are of the 'same culture' doesn't work anymore. Ideas of happiness have DRAMATICALLY changed in the last century, but unfortunately our parents don't understand and pressure us to do things they think will make us happy. I know if I'm a parent, all I can do is guide my children to make good decisions, but at the end of the day, I just want them to be happy. If they want to be an artist, instead of an accountant, that's totally fine. All I want from my children is, no matter what they pursue, they pursue it whole-heartedly.

I'm of the strong belief, that if you truly love something, and are passionate about it, you WILL struggle. Life WILL be hard. But that struggle and the joy of achieving what you are passionate about is the ultimate happiness. The joy that comes from achievement cannot be substituted by money, sex or anything else.
My parents firmly believed that I needed to study computer science and get an IT job to be successful, because, that's where the jobs were, and then if you get a job, you get money, and then you get happy. Something isn't right here. Money isn't happiness. They tell you this all the time, but they don't practice it, because they suck at money.

When you LIKE what you're doing, and you get good at it, guess what? The money just comes. It's almost stupid. You can make a shit ton of money and be dishonest and unhappy, and is that going to make your parents happy? It's not. I understand that we live in a society, and that there's a lot of peer pressure, but I think at the end of the day, the tough decisions have to be made.

I was lucky that I moved to another country and so I didn't have to deal with the society pressure, but if there's one thing I can tell all of you that are struggling with these issues is - MOVE. Get away. I know you don't have money. I know it's a huge risk. I know it could suck. But guess what? Do you just want to sit there and do nothing to improve your situation and contemplate suicide? Brothers and sisters out there - CHOOSE LIFE. Life is tough. There were times in my life, where I have lived on a couch for 4 months, had all my belongings in a laundry basket. I would eat twice a week and some days I would drink a cup of coffee to stave off hunger, but I would GLADLY do it again if it meant that I pursued what I was passionate about. Because through these difficult times, you gain independence, as well as control of your destiny. And freedom from the ABSURD shackles of your parents and your society.

The fight

It's been a long time since I wrote in this blog. My life has changed (as life is wont to do). Things are getting heated up between the family. I got a call from the mother yesterday afternoon, and she launched into
"Have you forgotten your culture?"
"What?"
"Do you know that we are part of a Muslim culture, and an Indian culture and just because you are there doesn't mean you can forget that."
"What are you talking about?"
"The pictures on Facebook. I saw them"
"Oh, about the girl"
"What is that? I can never accept something like that"
"Oh really?"

I don't want to launch into what went after that except for a lot of screaming and some crying on her part. Mostly it ended with her saying I'll never be happy.

Is this a cultural thing? Why can't parents be happy if their children are happy? So essentially, I've written this whole blog about my anger, my hatred, and a lot of it stems from the anger towards my family. When I think about the word family, it conjures up tension, money, and anger. I have 0 positive feelings about family. And then, now they want to dictate how I start my family? I don't want their prescribed bullshit dose of 'happiness'. They are unhappy people. I'm happy. I don't want to be unhappy like them, and I'm a different person from them. It sounds indignant, but I'm standing up for what I believe is right.

If I bend to this - who I'm marrying - what is left? This is the single most important decision in my life, and I'm going to trust - MY PARENTS? Are you fucking crazy? They have been wrong about almost every single thing in life, and I'm showing them what it takes to be happy. To manage money. To not judge people. But they are comfortable in their unhappy, messed up, drama filled life.

So this is it for me. I'm finally drawing a line in the sand. I'm divorcing (disowning) my parents. In 2 years, when I do get married to my (non-muslim, white) gf, they will be out of my life. And I'm more than happy with that. Disassociating with them will cure me of the anger. I'm calmer now in life, and I know what I want. My life is here - I can't live in Dubai or in India. I don't fit into that culture. I don't mean that in a negative way, of course I would make friends, but I wouldn't be able to live there. Where I'm judged for my beliefs about god, family, women and work.

For people that are reading, is this your only way out? To get out of where you are? I don't think so. Just get away from what's causing you anger, and STAND YOUR GROUND. The fight is tough - hearing your own mother curse you is not for the weak. But I'm not bowing down to tyranny. And neither should you.

Therapy

I've been to a shrink. 2 shrinks actually, and they are surprisingly helpful. Well,50% of the time anyway. The first shrink I saw was someone out of college, and after spending an hour with her, she convinced me that I was a 'victim' of 'child abuse' and that my life was really bad.

I felt okay when she said this, but when I left the session, the anger slowly started welling up. I was in the subway, and I had to stare down at the floor because I thought I'd punch someone if they looked at me wrong. I was so angry by the end of the ride, that I went home, and killed half a bottle of irish whiskey to take my mind off what she said.

Let me be clear. She was not right. And she didn't help me. I'm not a victim. She just successfully made me feel worse than I did after her session. That'll teach me to try out a $30/hr shrink.

The next shrink I saw charged $90/hr and after talking to her for an hour, I felt amazing. Everything she said was positive, and I left the session feeling really good. I went back to her a couple more times, and then I just occupied myself with random activities and never had a chance, but I'll still never forget her. She really helped me identify why I was so angry. In 25 minutes, she told me that my problem was anger, and that I kept it bottled in, and then started directing it towards myself.

I needed an outlet for expressing my anger, and she pointed out that all my creative outlets - non-fiction writing, fiction writing, screenplays, were all extremely violent and that they were just my outlets for letting out anger. I never thought about this until she pointed it out, but it's a good point.

For those of you thinking about the taboo, the cost, of going to a shrink - let me assure you. It's totally worth going. You have nothing to lose.

I've changed quite a bit in the last couple of months, my anger has subsided quite a bit, and I feel like I'm making positive progress towards avoiding a destructive life.

Dull the pain

Dull the pain.
Or
Feed the pain?

Dulling the pain - Life is becoming grey. I stopped dreaming about 2 months ago. I don't remember them anymore. The sweet deterioration of my brain as the beer particles make its way down into my bloodstream.

The ability to dull the throbbing pain.
The ability to express anger by yelling.

The end of the night, where the tepid attitude has been simmering, comes boiling over - exploding into anger which cannot be released. The body quivers. The anger goes back to myself - you are a loser, you have no life, people hate you, I hate you.

Drink some more, feed the anger a little more, until the physical effects of alcohol takes its course and makes you collapse.

The alarm rings. The throbbing begins.

Do it all over again.

The Indian Dream

As an Indian, I was told life had a path. Study hard, make good grades - pick Science as your 11th grade specialty, and then do computer science in college, get a job, get married, have kids, repeat cycle. This is bullshit.The Indian dream is a lie.

Looking back at my childhood, I don't think I remember any parts with my family that I considered myself happy. My mom used to cane me to study. I hated being in the house. She would constantly berate me for being stupid and not working hard and not doing well. My childhood was spent mostly in fear of my mother. I had no freedom in any aspect of my life. My study path was chosen for me, my college major was dictated to me. I'm an 18 year old guy that is treated like a 4 yr old. Resentment was built. Never manifested, but it slowly seethed.

In college, after moving to the US, where I was told to pick computer science as a major (because obviously there were a lot of computer jobs), in my second semester while working on a programming assignment, I couldn't do it anymore. I hated it. I couldn't picture myself doing this for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week for the rest of my life. I always enjoyed physics, and thought of changing my major to physics, so I went and talked to the Undergraduate Dean of Physics about moving to a physics major. He convinced me that it would be a good idea, and that I would have a lot of flexibility after I graduate in what career path I could take - business, lawyers, scientist, professor.

The next morning I called my parents and told them that I HATED computer science and I think I would do much better as a physics major. I told them I liked teaching, and I wanted to be a professor. They called me back the next day and said 'If you want to major in physics, we won't pay for your college'. So I continued with my Computer Science major. I failed a couple of classes - but I eventually graduated. With absolutely no  use with this major. I could barely program, had never done anything great other than goto classes with a middling GPA. I didn't even try very hard to look for jobs, just because I knew I didn't want a programming job.

The year after graduation was when I'd started playing poker and was making quite a bit of money. I ended up making close to $20K playing cards, and then decided I wanted to do a masters degree in my field of choosing. I chose Mgmt of information sciences, and then found what I truly enjoyed doing. Marketing analysis. I paid for the whole masters degree myself and then found a job in the field I loved.

The whole dream of following a blind path of what your Indian parents deem right for you is absolutely demolishing. If you are reading, understand this. Life is tough, it's not easy. If you truly want to do something, be prepared to endure hardships and bleak times to finally get what you want. It wasn't easy for me to get to where I am. I've had times where all my possessions were a laundry basket and a laptop. I lived on a friend's couch for 6 months. I used to eat once every 2 days. But I persevered, because I didn't want to take my parent's money and wanted to make my own life.

You can do the same. Break free of the mold.

Futility

Every morning I wake up. The alarm on my phone goes off. I hit 'Dimiss' and then I look at the time. I then think "What's the point is going in to work early?" This depresses me. I'm depressed in the morning. I'm a morning person, but I'm depressed because my whole life is futile. There is no purpose. I could go into work, produce a couple of reports, but it's of absolutely no use.

These reports are mostly manipulating numbers differently to fit a different view. There's nothing new, nothing revolutionary, nothing exciting, and mostly it's just lies. This depresses me as well. Fundamentally, I like to believe I'm an honest person. I know what I'm doing is wrong and I keep doing it. I have the holy trinity of issues - guilt, anger and sadness.

I recently have been looking a lot at suicide rates in countries. India and China have fairly high suicide rates. My cousin committed suicide when he was 22 or something. He had a wife and a kid, no one thought he was depressed, but one day they come back, and he'd hung himself. I think I know what that guy was going through. He must've been a thinker. The futility of life must've got him.

Who am I angry with?

I'm pretty sure I hate myself. I hate everything about me. I hate the way I don't have confidence. I hate my body. I hate my stupidity. I hate my lack of ambition. I hate that I sabotage myself. I'm afraid of success. I pursue women that are unavailable. The 2 women I'm interested in are

1. More than 500 miles away
2. Has a boyfriend.

It's easy, because I guess falling for these women, I'm protecting myself from failure by saying that hey if it didn't work out, its okay, because it wasn't going to anyway.

I'm working from home, and I don't want to do what my boss told me to because it's just a whole bunch of busy work, for so little payoff. I'm just reading his email over and over again slowly working myself into a lather. It's 3 pm, and I've decided this is it. I'm done with the day. I'm going to spend the rest of the day just getting drunk. It's easier to deal with my self hatred this way.