New year

So I figured, I should write up an obligatory new post, even though no one reads this blog, and I don't want anyone to really figure out who I am, so I don't tell anyone about the blog either.

Getting back to New years though, I had a long conversation with my buddy, where we were both extremely inebriated, and he told me that I'm going through what he went, except in a positive direction - I want to own a house, I'm tired of banging random bitches, etc. Then he said 'At this point in your life, you are either going to turn out normal, or you are going to become a bum. I know you can't be a bum'.

That was unnerving, how did he get in my head? I've fantasized for months about saving money, moving to Thailand/Mexico and just being a bum there. I've given this a lot of thought and I still don't know if I'd follow through with this or not. I have some other issues that are ongoing, that might actually push me over the edge.

He also said something else, that surprised me. I told him, as a form of discipline, and to figure out if it would make me happier, increase my drive, I stopped jerking off for about 3 months. I thought I'd keep track, but everyday I just told myself not to, and it's been a long time since I've done that, and he told me 'You are turning into what you were as a kid. You had strict parents that forced rules on you, and you are regressing back into that'. That really surprised me, because its true. I was hardly allowed to do anything when I was a kid.

I think for every step I take forward, I take two steps back. I finally talked to my mother after a year. And we just shot the shit, and unbelievably, she actually complimented me for the first time since I can remember, instead of saying I'm stupid. The other 20 minutes was her trying to tell me why I need to get married next year.

Either way, I'm less angry this year, than I was last year. I'm less angry at myself, and surprisingly not masturbating, has helped that a lot. The shame and the pointlessness of that makes me hate myself less. I still have a long ways to go, and hopefully I'm less lazy this year as well.