Apathy

I've wondered if there are stages of anger - and I wonder if I'm in the apathetic phase. Our company is moving offices and it's some super secret process that no one knows about. This makes me mad - do they think we are children? What is the point of hiding where we are moving? Unless the only reason is to tell the 'secret' to a select few and make them feel like they actually have some power.

Either way, I know that 90% of the people here at work don't really like me, mainly because I don't talk to anyone. I come in, do my work, and go home. It's just sales people anyways, and I know I sound like an elitist by saying this, but I have nothing to say to them, and actually find it infuriating to talk to them. I think most of them are really dumb, but also obliviously dumb.

The move has me sitting in an area by myself. I really need to get out of this place. People that read this blog, might consider me an angry, elitist, entitled asshole, but I think you'd be surprised if you met me. I get along very well with people, and infact make friends pretty easily with people. I think I'm just unhappy with my work right now - because I hate feeling like a cog in the wheel, and essentially that's what I am right now. What I do has little purpose other than to provide people with data, that they manipulate to show results (completely unethical, and also technically incorrect).

Spending 40 hrs a week of my life in this unhappy place for a year has drained me. I'm no longer the fun person I used to be. I have no motivation, and increasingly think of becoming a bum. Why don't I get a new job? Because I'm on a work permit, and 90% of companies will only hire Canadians, so even though I'm qualified, it's hard to find any company willing to jump through huge hoops just to hire me.

I know I'm waiting for my permanent residency card to come through in 6 months, and once I have that, I should have a much easier time getting a new job.

Either way, I need this blog to just rant and vent and let off steam, while I sit here staring at a monitor, getting paid to do this.

New year

So I figured, I should write up an obligatory new post, even though no one reads this blog, and I don't want anyone to really figure out who I am, so I don't tell anyone about the blog either.

Getting back to New years though, I had a long conversation with my buddy, where we were both extremely inebriated, and he told me that I'm going through what he went, except in a positive direction - I want to own a house, I'm tired of banging random bitches, etc. Then he said 'At this point in your life, you are either going to turn out normal, or you are going to become a bum. I know you can't be a bum'.

That was unnerving, how did he get in my head? I've fantasized for months about saving money, moving to Thailand/Mexico and just being a bum there. I've given this a lot of thought and I still don't know if I'd follow through with this or not. I have some other issues that are ongoing, that might actually push me over the edge.

He also said something else, that surprised me. I told him, as a form of discipline, and to figure out if it would make me happier, increase my drive, I stopped jerking off for about 3 months. I thought I'd keep track, but everyday I just told myself not to, and it's been a long time since I've done that, and he told me 'You are turning into what you were as a kid. You had strict parents that forced rules on you, and you are regressing back into that'. That really surprised me, because its true. I was hardly allowed to do anything when I was a kid.

I think for every step I take forward, I take two steps back. I finally talked to my mother after a year. And we just shot the shit, and unbelievably, she actually complimented me for the first time since I can remember, instead of saying I'm stupid. The other 20 minutes was her trying to tell me why I need to get married next year.

Either way, I'm less angry this year, than I was last year. I'm less angry at myself, and surprisingly not masturbating, has helped that a lot. The shame and the pointlessness of that makes me hate myself less. I still have a long ways to go, and hopefully I'm less lazy this year as well.

Only 5 more hours to go

Since I'm in a semi self-destructive phase of my life, I decided to help myself on my quest to go deeper into the hole by buying some nose candy. I consider it a birthday gift, but really, I was just bored, and I like being on that stuff. I'm going to try some out today, and I might play some poker - where I can actually focus for once. Yesterday was a blur too, don't remember much of what I did at work, played some pool, and then went home, watched an episode of 'The Shield' and went to bed.

Is this life? I can choose to do other things, but it's pointless. Even if I wrote - after work I went skydiving and then helped some poor people build houses, I still look back and think, wow, out of 6 billion people in the world, it doesn't really matter so much.

On the bright side, I shot really well at pool yesterday. I also decided that this weekend, I'm going to make a lot of food, because for some reason, I enjoy cooking. It's almost noon, and I've successfully managed to do nothing for the last 4 hours. I just have to wile away some time on the internet (which isn't terribly difficult) and I should be on my merry way.

Oh yeah, Happy fucking Friday.

Floating in nothing

The title of a post is so hard to come up with. I wonder if people usually start with the title and then write the story, or if it's the other way around. I haven't written much lately, because I'm in a weird mood lately. The different moods I go through make me wonder if I'm bipolar. I recently went to Vegas, and came back depressed. I don't know what it is - the horrible food, the constant cloud of smoke you cannot escape, or the oppressive heat - but some combination of those things wore down my psyche.

I used to love playing poker - LOVE IT. I used to spend 4-5 hours a day playing, and when I wasn't playing, I was reading strategy, going over my hands, etc. I have now become a player that I used to think I'd never become - the impatient, thinks everyone is bluffing, thinks I'm the unluckiest player in the world schmuck. I'm easy money. I have no patience, I am paralyzed by fear when making decisions, and am more results-oriented, which is disastrous. Poker is boring to me now.

After coming back from Vegas, I suddenly didn't want to talk to anyone. A lot of people are expecting phone calls, visits, facebook posts, but I have sealed myself in. I drink a lot, and I just sit at home. I deleted my facebook account, and I am a zombie at work. I have pretty much no motivation to do anything.

Anytime I try to talk myself into doing anything, I think 'What's the point? I'm just going to end up giving all the money to my parents'. I'm 28 years old and after 3 years of making $60K a year, I have in my savings account - $20,000. And that's by complete luck. I only have $10K, but I got an investment that doubled my money in a year. So, if you are keeping track, out of $180,000, I have $10K. The rest is gone. Can you imagine being motivated to make/save money, when it doesn't matter. I go though the phase where I want to save money, and then a month later, I need to send home $2,000.

At this point, everything is pointless. All this money, it goes to serve no purpose. If there was a goal - to pay off, say, $40,000, I would be perfectly content, because then I could work towards that, but this is a goalless meander through finance. It's never going to end. Which is why, I've been thinking of leaving my job, leaving the country and moving to a 3rd world country for 2 years, completely out of touch with any human being I've met, and then very simply, finish my life there.

Money has lost all purpose to me. It's of no use to me, so I spend like no tomorrow, because - what's the point of saving? Everything I do feels meaningless. I'm drifting right now in the world with no real purpose, no goal, no joy, no passion, nothing. I just exist. Which is what I never wanted to be. I know if I put my mind to it, I can do a lot of things, but I just circle back to thinking 'Why does it matter?'.

This is such a whiny,angsty post - and I hate being that person, but hey, fuck it. It's my blog, I'll write whatever I want. It's not like anyone is reading anyway. This is just my venting outlet.

The weird bone

I was trying to decide what songs I should burn for my next CD when on a whim I decided I'm going to burn 'The Fiery Furnances' - Blueberry boat album. This album is really good, but in such a weird way. People think I'm weird for weird's sake, and I don't think that's true. I listen to quite a bit of music, and after a while I long for some complexity in music. Listening to Fiery Furnaces will ensure that you are always trying to figure out the song. Just when you think a song has a particular melody/rhythm, they will jar you with a complete different piece of music. It hits my weird bone and makes me feel shivers.

In general, I love things that hit my weird bone, I seek them out fondly. Musically - Animal collective, Jaguar Love. Movies - Bug, Perfume, One Hour Photo. These are unsettling, and lot of people dismiss them, I guess, because it unsettles them. That was a great fucking sentence. I love that odd feeling I experience when I've watched something/heard something that's different. More often that not, it's songs rather than albums/artists that do it to me. I would say the two songs that always get me are 'All I need' by Radiohead and 'Brother sport' by Animal Collective.

My humor is pretty crass when compared to other people too, but at the same time, a lot of my humor is very mean spirited. I wish that weren't the case, but a lot of it involves poking fun of people. I think I was born with this.

Too smart or stupid?

'The problem with the world is that the wise men are always in doubt, and the fools are always sure'.

I read that when I was in 5th grade, and I can't forget it. I always wonder about this. I've met so many people, that seem dumb as hell, but are happy. But the sadder, whiny (yes that's me), emo people always seem to be smarter. When you learn something, it helps you to look at the world in a broader context, but at the same time, it introduces doubt in your mind. Every time I've learned something, it makes me doubt what I know even more.

This is when I start thinking about what is the correct answer, what is ideal? And there's never any answer. But from all these years of being, the one thing I've come to understand is that if I spend more time at a problem, I will reach a solution. So I'm always thinking I have to just work hard at the problem and the solution will appear. I'm aspiring to be Buddha or a prophet, when from what everyone else has written or said - there's no solution to life.

One of the solutions is to stop thinking so much about what is the point of life? Instead, focus on tasks and then these questions will melt away. I try very hard to do so. I keep myself occupied constantly, except when I'm at work, because the work at this point challenges me very little and so I have very little reason to focus.

Yesterday I went to the park and I thought I would sit under a tree and think about my life. What do I want out of life? What are my issues? Why am I unhappy and malcontent? Will I ever achieve contentedness? I don't even want to be happy, I just want to be content. I'm always looking for better. When I fail to achieve it, I blame myself for being lazy and stupid. Mostly lazy, because I believe that you can be born fairly stupid, but if you work hard, you can be really good. I'm not very smart. I think I project the illusion of being smart, but for the most part, I don't believe I'm smart. Or maybe I am. I don't know.

I don't know how to answer that question.

It's just another in a mess of questions that I don't know how to answer.

Let's try this out

It's been a while since I blogged, but after I read MissBanshee's post about blogging, something stirred within me. I used to write. A lot. I had a little orange note book. I wrote about being on vacation in India and being absolutely bored because there was nothing to read, nothing to watch, and I had no real friends. Since I was the 'gulf-boy', I also had 'fancy' clothes and everytime I walked down to the bus stop, people in a radius of 1km would stare at me.

It was a small village.

Once I took the bus down to the CITY, I would go hang out at my uncle's shop. He sold saris and salwars, and some men's apparel as well. I loved the smell of that shop, but I would often just walk out and look out at the giant bus stop, inhaling the diesel fumes from the 30-odd buses in that station. People would still stare at me. It was a small CITY.

I would then walk over to my other uncle's shop called 'THE BUTTON HOUSE'. They sold buttons,thread,needles,zippers, and various other tiny contraptions. Everything in the store was tiny. I would take a box of 200 buttons and then get 10 in a tiny plastic bag and staple them.

I'm somewhere else now. I haven't seen my family in 7 years. I have no real desire to. The last time I spoke with my mother, I yelled at her. Usually I would just respond mono-syllabically, but I guess something snapped in me, and I went off on her about how she makes me feel like shit everytime she calls me. Everything I do is wrong, and stupid. I asked her 'Why do you have such hatred towards me?'. She cried, and then quickly recuperated and started getting angry. And then she said, if you don't want to talk to me, then fine, don't talk to me. I said 'Fine'. We haven't spoken in 8 months.

I self-diagnose. I feel guilty all the time. I feel stupid a lot. Most of the time, I feel lazy. I feel like I should occupy myself with something, so I can stop thinking. I ponder too much. About inconsequential things. My biggest problem is I ponder these aloud to people. The people, they don't look too kindly upon such questions. I am always labeled weird. I think I'm just naturally curious. I'm intensely fascinated with Economics, mainly because of the Freakonomics books, because it really asks questions, that people are afraid to ask. These are the questions I often wonder about.

Some of my questions have to do with family. I've firmly made a conclusion about the non-existence of god. Then my questions go on to things like family. What is the point? Why do people make babies? You are here on earth, and you make babies, and you die? What is the point? I feel like creating more babies is the worst thing you can do. We are already strained on resources, and more importantly, I don't want to create a person like me. I have not figured out the world or anything about it, why would I want to bring someone else into this world of uncertainty.