The title of a post is so hard to come up with. I wonder if people usually start with the title and then write the story, or if it's the other way around. I haven't written much lately, because I'm in a weird mood lately. The different moods I go through make me wonder if I'm bipolar. I recently went to Vegas, and came back depressed. I don't know what it is - the horrible food, the constant cloud of smoke you cannot escape, or the oppressive heat - but some combination of those things wore down my psyche.
I used to love playing poker - LOVE IT. I used to spend 4-5 hours a day playing, and when I wasn't playing, I was reading strategy, going over my hands, etc. I have now become a player that I used to think I'd never become - the impatient, thinks everyone is bluffing, thinks I'm the unluckiest player in the world schmuck. I'm easy money. I have no patience, I am paralyzed by fear when making decisions, and am more results-oriented, which is disastrous. Poker is boring to me now.
After coming back from Vegas, I suddenly didn't want to talk to anyone. A lot of people are expecting phone calls, visits, facebook posts, but I have sealed myself in. I drink a lot, and I just sit at home. I deleted my facebook account, and I am a zombie at work. I have pretty much no motivation to do anything.
Anytime I try to talk myself into doing anything, I think 'What's the point? I'm just going to end up giving all the money to my parents'. I'm 28 years old and after 3 years of making $60K a year, I have in my savings account - $20,000. And that's by complete luck. I only have $10K, but I got an investment that doubled my money in a year. So, if you are keeping track, out of $180,000, I have $10K. The rest is gone. Can you imagine being motivated to make/save money, when it doesn't matter. I go though the phase where I want to save money, and then a month later, I need to send home $2,000.
At this point, everything is pointless. All this money, it goes to serve no purpose. If there was a goal - to pay off, say, $40,000, I would be perfectly content, because then I could work towards that, but this is a goalless meander through finance. It's never going to end. Which is why, I've been thinking of leaving my job, leaving the country and moving to a 3rd world country for 2 years, completely out of touch with any human being I've met, and then very simply, finish my life there.
Money has lost all purpose to me. It's of no use to me, so I spend like no tomorrow, because - what's the point of saving? Everything I do feels meaningless. I'm drifting right now in the world with no real purpose, no goal, no joy, no passion, nothing. I just exist. Which is what I never wanted to be. I know if I put my mind to it, I can do a lot of things, but I just circle back to thinking 'Why does it matter?'.
This is such a whiny,angsty post - and I hate being that person, but hey, fuck it. It's my blog, I'll write whatever I want. It's not like anyone is reading anyway. This is just my venting outlet.
