Dull the pain.
Or
Feed the pain?
Dulling the pain - Life is becoming grey. I stopped dreaming about 2 months ago. I don't remember them anymore. The sweet deterioration of my brain as the beer particles make its way down into my bloodstream.
The ability to dull the throbbing pain.
The ability to express anger by yelling.
The end of the night, where the tepid attitude has been simmering, comes boiling over - exploding into anger which cannot be released. The body quivers. The anger goes back to myself - you are a loser, you have no life, people hate you, I hate you.
Drink some more, feed the anger a little more, until the physical effects of alcohol takes its course and makes you collapse.
The alarm rings. The throbbing begins.
Do it all over again.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
The Indian Dream
As an Indian, I was told life had a path. Study hard, make good grades - pick Science as your 11th grade specialty, and then do computer science in college, get a job, get married, have kids, repeat cycle. This is bullshit.The Indian dream is a lie.
Looking back at my childhood, I don't think I remember any parts with my family that I considered myself happy. My mom used to cane me to study. I hated being in the house. She would constantly berate me for being stupid and not working hard and not doing well. My childhood was spent mostly in fear of my mother. I had no freedom in any aspect of my life. My study path was chosen for me, my college major was dictated to me. I'm an 18 year old guy that is treated like a 4 yr old. Resentment was built. Never manifested, but it slowly seethed.
In college, after moving to the US, where I was told to pick computer science as a major (because obviously there were a lot of computer jobs), in my second semester while working on a programming assignment, I couldn't do it anymore. I hated it. I couldn't picture myself doing this for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week for the rest of my life. I always enjoyed physics, and thought of changing my major to physics, so I went and talked to the Undergraduate Dean of Physics about moving to a physics major. He convinced me that it would be a good idea, and that I would have a lot of flexibility after I graduate in what career path I could take - business, lawyers, scientist, professor.
The next morning I called my parents and told them that I HATED computer science and I think I would do much better as a physics major. I told them I liked teaching, and I wanted to be a professor. They called me back the next day and said 'If you want to major in physics, we won't pay for your college'. So I continued with my Computer Science major. I failed a couple of classes - but I eventually graduated. With absolutely no use with this major. I could barely program, had never done anything great other than goto classes with a middling GPA. I didn't even try very hard to look for jobs, just because I knew I didn't want a programming job.
The year after graduation was when I'd started playing poker and was making quite a bit of money. I ended up making close to $20K playing cards, and then decided I wanted to do a masters degree in my field of choosing. I chose Mgmt of information sciences, and then found what I truly enjoyed doing. Marketing analysis. I paid for the whole masters degree myself and then found a job in the field I loved.
The whole dream of following a blind path of what your Indian parents deem right for you is absolutely demolishing. If you are reading, understand this. Life is tough, it's not easy. If you truly want to do something, be prepared to endure hardships and bleak times to finally get what you want. It wasn't easy for me to get to where I am. I've had times where all my possessions were a laundry basket and a laptop. I lived on a friend's couch for 6 months. I used to eat once every 2 days. But I persevered, because I didn't want to take my parent's money and wanted to make my own life.
You can do the same. Break free of the mold.
Looking back at my childhood, I don't think I remember any parts with my family that I considered myself happy. My mom used to cane me to study. I hated being in the house. She would constantly berate me for being stupid and not working hard and not doing well. My childhood was spent mostly in fear of my mother. I had no freedom in any aspect of my life. My study path was chosen for me, my college major was dictated to me. I'm an 18 year old guy that is treated like a 4 yr old. Resentment was built. Never manifested, but it slowly seethed.
In college, after moving to the US, where I was told to pick computer science as a major (because obviously there were a lot of computer jobs), in my second semester while working on a programming assignment, I couldn't do it anymore. I hated it. I couldn't picture myself doing this for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week for the rest of my life. I always enjoyed physics, and thought of changing my major to physics, so I went and talked to the Undergraduate Dean of Physics about moving to a physics major. He convinced me that it would be a good idea, and that I would have a lot of flexibility after I graduate in what career path I could take - business, lawyers, scientist, professor.
The next morning I called my parents and told them that I HATED computer science and I think I would do much better as a physics major. I told them I liked teaching, and I wanted to be a professor. They called me back the next day and said 'If you want to major in physics, we won't pay for your college'. So I continued with my Computer Science major. I failed a couple of classes - but I eventually graduated. With absolutely no use with this major. I could barely program, had never done anything great other than goto classes with a middling GPA. I didn't even try very hard to look for jobs, just because I knew I didn't want a programming job.
The year after graduation was when I'd started playing poker and was making quite a bit of money. I ended up making close to $20K playing cards, and then decided I wanted to do a masters degree in my field of choosing. I chose Mgmt of information sciences, and then found what I truly enjoyed doing. Marketing analysis. I paid for the whole masters degree myself and then found a job in the field I loved.
The whole dream of following a blind path of what your Indian parents deem right for you is absolutely demolishing. If you are reading, understand this. Life is tough, it's not easy. If you truly want to do something, be prepared to endure hardships and bleak times to finally get what you want. It wasn't easy for me to get to where I am. I've had times where all my possessions were a laundry basket and a laptop. I lived on a friend's couch for 6 months. I used to eat once every 2 days. But I persevered, because I didn't want to take my parent's money and wanted to make my own life.
You can do the same. Break free of the mold.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Futility
Every morning I wake up. The alarm on my phone goes off. I hit 'Dimiss' and then I look at the time. I then think "What's the point is going in to work early?" This depresses me. I'm depressed in the morning. I'm a morning person, but I'm depressed because my whole life is futile. There is no purpose. I could go into work, produce a couple of reports, but it's of absolutely no use.
These reports are mostly manipulating numbers differently to fit a different view. There's nothing new, nothing revolutionary, nothing exciting, and mostly it's just lies. This depresses me as well. Fundamentally, I like to believe I'm an honest person. I know what I'm doing is wrong and I keep doing it. I have the holy trinity of issues - guilt, anger and sadness.
I recently have been looking a lot at suicide rates in countries. India and China have fairly high suicide rates. My cousin committed suicide when he was 22 or something. He had a wife and a kid, no one thought he was depressed, but one day they come back, and he'd hung himself. I think I know what that guy was going through. He must've been a thinker. The futility of life must've got him.
These reports are mostly manipulating numbers differently to fit a different view. There's nothing new, nothing revolutionary, nothing exciting, and mostly it's just lies. This depresses me as well. Fundamentally, I like to believe I'm an honest person. I know what I'm doing is wrong and I keep doing it. I have the holy trinity of issues - guilt, anger and sadness.
I recently have been looking a lot at suicide rates in countries. India and China have fairly high suicide rates. My cousin committed suicide when he was 22 or something. He had a wife and a kid, no one thought he was depressed, but one day they come back, and he'd hung himself. I think I know what that guy was going through. He must've been a thinker. The futility of life must've got him.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Who am I angry with?
I'm pretty sure I hate myself. I hate everything about me. I hate the way I don't have confidence. I hate my body. I hate my stupidity. I hate my lack of ambition. I hate that I sabotage myself. I'm afraid of success. I pursue women that are unavailable. The 2 women I'm interested in are
1. More than 500 miles away
2. Has a boyfriend.
It's easy, because I guess falling for these women, I'm protecting myself from failure by saying that hey if it didn't work out, its okay, because it wasn't going to anyway.
I'm working from home, and I don't want to do what my boss told me to because it's just a whole bunch of busy work, for so little payoff. I'm just reading his email over and over again slowly working myself into a lather. It's 3 pm, and I've decided this is it. I'm done with the day. I'm going to spend the rest of the day just getting drunk. It's easier to deal with my self hatred this way.
1. More than 500 miles away
2. Has a boyfriend.
It's easy, because I guess falling for these women, I'm protecting myself from failure by saying that hey if it didn't work out, its okay, because it wasn't going to anyway.
I'm working from home, and I don't want to do what my boss told me to because it's just a whole bunch of busy work, for so little payoff. I'm just reading his email over and over again slowly working myself into a lather. It's 3 pm, and I've decided this is it. I'm done with the day. I'm going to spend the rest of the day just getting drunk. It's easier to deal with my self hatred this way.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Apathy
I've wondered if there are stages of anger - and I wonder if I'm in the apathetic phase. Our company is moving offices and it's some super secret process that no one knows about. This makes me mad - do they think we are children? What is the point of hiding where we are moving? Unless the only reason is to tell the 'secret' to a select few and make them feel like they actually have some power.
Either way, I know that 90% of the people here at work don't really like me, mainly because I don't talk to anyone. I come in, do my work, and go home. It's just sales people anyways, and I know I sound like an elitist by saying this, but I have nothing to say to them, and actually find it infuriating to talk to them. I think most of them are really dumb, but also obliviously dumb.
The move has me sitting in an area by myself. I really need to get out of this place. People that read this blog, might consider me an angry, elitist, entitled asshole, but I think you'd be surprised if you met me. I get along very well with people, and infact make friends pretty easily with people. I think I'm just unhappy with my work right now - because I hate feeling like a cog in the wheel, and essentially that's what I am right now. What I do has little purpose other than to provide people with data, that they manipulate to show results (completely unethical, and also technically incorrect).
Spending 40 hrs a week of my life in this unhappy place for a year has drained me. I'm no longer the fun person I used to be. I have no motivation, and increasingly think of becoming a bum. Why don't I get a new job? Because I'm on a work permit, and 90% of companies will only hire Canadians, so even though I'm qualified, it's hard to find any company willing to jump through huge hoops just to hire me.
I know I'm waiting for my permanent residency card to come through in 6 months, and once I have that, I should have a much easier time getting a new job.
Either way, I need this blog to just rant and vent and let off steam, while I sit here staring at a monitor, getting paid to do this.
Either way, I know that 90% of the people here at work don't really like me, mainly because I don't talk to anyone. I come in, do my work, and go home. It's just sales people anyways, and I know I sound like an elitist by saying this, but I have nothing to say to them, and actually find it infuriating to talk to them. I think most of them are really dumb, but also obliviously dumb.
The move has me sitting in an area by myself. I really need to get out of this place. People that read this blog, might consider me an angry, elitist, entitled asshole, but I think you'd be surprised if you met me. I get along very well with people, and infact make friends pretty easily with people. I think I'm just unhappy with my work right now - because I hate feeling like a cog in the wheel, and essentially that's what I am right now. What I do has little purpose other than to provide people with data, that they manipulate to show results (completely unethical, and also technically incorrect).
Spending 40 hrs a week of my life in this unhappy place for a year has drained me. I'm no longer the fun person I used to be. I have no motivation, and increasingly think of becoming a bum. Why don't I get a new job? Because I'm on a work permit, and 90% of companies will only hire Canadians, so even though I'm qualified, it's hard to find any company willing to jump through huge hoops just to hire me.
I know I'm waiting for my permanent residency card to come through in 6 months, and once I have that, I should have a much easier time getting a new job.
Either way, I need this blog to just rant and vent and let off steam, while I sit here staring at a monitor, getting paid to do this.
Monday, January 3, 2011
New year
So I figured, I should write up an obligatory new post, even though no one reads this blog, and I don't want anyone to really figure out who I am, so I don't tell anyone about the blog either.
Getting back to New years though, I had a long conversation with my buddy, where we were both extremely inebriated, and he told me that I'm going through what he went, except in a positive direction - I want to own a house, I'm tired of banging random bitches, etc. Then he said 'At this point in your life, you are either going to turn out normal, or you are going to become a bum. I know you can't be a bum'.
That was unnerving, how did he get in my head? I've fantasized for months about saving money, moving to Thailand/Mexico and just being a bum there. I've given this a lot of thought and I still don't know if I'd follow through with this or not. I have some other issues that are ongoing, that might actually push me over the edge.
He also said something else, that surprised me. I told him, as a form of discipline, and to figure out if it would make me happier, increase my drive, I stopped jerking off for about 3 months. I thought I'd keep track, but everyday I just told myself not to, and it's been a long time since I've done that, and he told me 'You are turning into what you were as a kid. You had strict parents that forced rules on you, and you are regressing back into that'. That really surprised me, because its true. I was hardly allowed to do anything when I was a kid.
I think for every step I take forward, I take two steps back. I finally talked to my mother after a year. And we just shot the shit, and unbelievably, she actually complimented me for the first time since I can remember, instead of saying I'm stupid. The other 20 minutes was her trying to tell me why I need to get married next year.
Either way, I'm less angry this year, than I was last year. I'm less angry at myself, and surprisingly not masturbating, has helped that a lot. The shame and the pointlessness of that makes me hate myself less. I still have a long ways to go, and hopefully I'm less lazy this year as well.
Getting back to New years though, I had a long conversation with my buddy, where we were both extremely inebriated, and he told me that I'm going through what he went, except in a positive direction - I want to own a house, I'm tired of banging random bitches, etc. Then he said 'At this point in your life, you are either going to turn out normal, or you are going to become a bum. I know you can't be a bum'.
That was unnerving, how did he get in my head? I've fantasized for months about saving money, moving to Thailand/Mexico and just being a bum there. I've given this a lot of thought and I still don't know if I'd follow through with this or not. I have some other issues that are ongoing, that might actually push me over the edge.
He also said something else, that surprised me. I told him, as a form of discipline, and to figure out if it would make me happier, increase my drive, I stopped jerking off for about 3 months. I thought I'd keep track, but everyday I just told myself not to, and it's been a long time since I've done that, and he told me 'You are turning into what you were as a kid. You had strict parents that forced rules on you, and you are regressing back into that'. That really surprised me, because its true. I was hardly allowed to do anything when I was a kid.
I think for every step I take forward, I take two steps back. I finally talked to my mother after a year. And we just shot the shit, and unbelievably, she actually complimented me for the first time since I can remember, instead of saying I'm stupid. The other 20 minutes was her trying to tell me why I need to get married next year.
Either way, I'm less angry this year, than I was last year. I'm less angry at myself, and surprisingly not masturbating, has helped that a lot. The shame and the pointlessness of that makes me hate myself less. I still have a long ways to go, and hopefully I'm less lazy this year as well.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)