Every morning I wake up. The alarm on my phone goes off. I hit 'Dimiss' and then I look at the time. I then think "What's the point is going in to work early?" This depresses me. I'm depressed in the morning. I'm a morning person, but I'm depressed because my whole life is futile. There is no purpose. I could go into work, produce a couple of reports, but it's of absolutely no use.
These reports are mostly manipulating numbers differently to fit a different view. There's nothing new, nothing revolutionary, nothing exciting, and mostly it's just lies. This depresses me as well. Fundamentally, I like to believe I'm an honest person. I know what I'm doing is wrong and I keep doing it. I have the holy trinity of issues - guilt, anger and sadness.
I recently have been looking a lot at suicide rates in countries. India and China have fairly high suicide rates. My cousin committed suicide when he was 22 or something. He had a wife and a kid, no one thought he was depressed, but one day they come back, and he'd hung himself. I think I know what that guy was going through. He must've been a thinker. The futility of life must've got him.
you know, i am going thru the same shitty phase in life myself.
ReplyDeleteInfact,shittier,I quit my job 2.5 yrs back,got very little savings,stillliving with my parents whom I loathe (since childhood, I have never had arel conversation with them.Whenever i asked for somethingor begged or grovelled, they always said no and ruined my childhood).They forced me into a carrer that was the opposte of what i wanted.
They have always loved my eleder sister more, she was the "good child"
Reading u vent makes me feel better.It feels like i am venting
The same commenter here-
ReplyDeleteDnt die on urself man.Hang in there Indian bro.Thngs will get better once residency happens.I believe they will get better for my shitty life (i have postd), so shd happen 4 u 2.
-Your farway Indian sis
Hi Indian sis
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, I'm not going to die on myself. The idea of running away from everything and severing all ties however is a daily thought. Living with your parents must be tough.
What career did they force you into?
Insurance.I wanted to be an actor and dancer, I hd opportunities too, but they forced me to let those go.
ReplyDelete