It's been a long time since I wrote in this blog. My life has changed (as life is wont to do). Things are getting heated up between the family. I got a call from the mother yesterday afternoon, and she launched into
"Have you forgotten your culture?"
"What?"
"Do you know that we are part of a Muslim culture, and an Indian culture and just because you are there doesn't mean you can forget that."
"What are you talking about?"
"The pictures on Facebook. I saw them"
"Oh, about the girl"
"What is that? I can never accept something like that"
"Oh really?"
I don't want to launch into what went after that except for a lot of screaming and some crying on her part. Mostly it ended with her saying I'll never be happy.
Is this a cultural thing? Why can't parents be happy if their children are happy? So essentially, I've written this whole blog about my anger, my hatred, and a lot of it stems from the anger towards my family. When I think about the word family, it conjures up tension, money, and anger. I have 0 positive feelings about family. And then, now they want to dictate how I start my family? I don't want their prescribed bullshit dose of 'happiness'. They are unhappy people. I'm happy. I don't want to be unhappy like them, and I'm a different person from them. It sounds indignant, but I'm standing up for what I believe is right.
If I bend to this - who I'm marrying - what is left? This is the single most important decision in my life, and I'm going to trust - MY PARENTS? Are you fucking crazy? They have been wrong about almost every single thing in life, and I'm showing them what it takes to be happy. To manage money. To not judge people. But they are comfortable in their unhappy, messed up, drama filled life.
So this is it for me. I'm finally drawing a line in the sand. I'm divorcing (disowning) my parents. In 2 years, when I do get married to my (non-muslim, white) gf, they will be out of my life. And I'm more than happy with that. Disassociating with them will cure me of the anger. I'm calmer now in life, and I know what I want. My life is here - I can't live in Dubai or in India. I don't fit into that culture. I don't mean that in a negative way, of course I would make friends, but I wouldn't be able to live there. Where I'm judged for my beliefs about god, family, women and work.
For people that are reading, is this your only way out? To get out of where you are? I don't think so. Just get away from what's causing you anger, and STAND YOUR GROUND. The fight is tough - hearing your own mother curse you is not for the weak. But I'm not bowing down to tyranny. And neither should you.
Hey Indian bro,u r right.a 100% absolutrely right.the world might not c it that way but they dont get it.I m 28,gave up an artistic career and got into banking bcos my mother wanted a banker.This has given me such rage issues in life.But this Indian girl who is in a similar situation in india living with her parents, is cheering 4 u.- FIGHT FOR UR RIGHT,UR FREEDOM UR CHOICE UR LIFE.doing so does not mamke u a bad or selfish person.break the abuse pattern onc n 4 all,or u will carry this burden into the future and do the same to ur chiuldren what ur parents did to u.My ship has sunk,hope to c urs set sail.
ReplyDeleteP.S- I lied to u wen i said insurance,its just a little lie,but u do that bcos u dont wa nt to be exposed.well today i say to hell with the hiding.let it all come out.
-Your Indian sis
You do have purpose-u need to keep blogging.I read it.i had lost ur blog and spent a n hour goggling it.It feels like a mirror is talking back abt my life.It also gives me hope{little}.
ReplyDeleteHell,i think i am going to start blogging.i shud, especially since i cant afford therapy,economically and socially
Hi Indian sis
ReplyDeleteI would definitely encourage you to write a blog. I haven't given up. Lot of things have happened in the last month. I'll write another post.
U know how they say u attract what u r.well i was looking for healing for similar experiences and so were u.otherwise its just bizzare that me who is not a member on any other blog & does not read any other blog, stumbled onto this blog and actually read it thru &thru.Normally i wud just shut down any page that is not opened by me.Ur blog came to me when i was thinking of suciccide because no1 understood my pain that stemmed from childhood abuse.
ReplyDeleteI think u too needed to meet someone who understands ur past,but withoput such similar experinces ppl dont understand u at all.Thats y i think of u as a bro.we both need to reclaim back our lives fom our abusers(parents/family)
Me will definitely start blogging before year end.Waiting for next post.
U kno I came across this article and it shows how drastic the effects of abuse can be on childs psyche affecting them much into childhood.Ther are so many such stories,especially with eastern countries.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-557370/Mother-child-prodigy-turned-prostitute-asks-Did-hunger-success-destroy-her.html#ixzz1b3WFEFCw