Let's try this out

It's been a while since I blogged, but after I read MissBanshee's post about blogging, something stirred within me. I used to write. A lot. I had a little orange note book. I wrote about being on vacation in India and being absolutely bored because there was nothing to read, nothing to watch, and I had no real friends. Since I was the 'gulf-boy', I also had 'fancy' clothes and everytime I walked down to the bus stop, people in a radius of 1km would stare at me.

It was a small village.

Once I took the bus down to the CITY, I would go hang out at my uncle's shop. He sold saris and salwars, and some men's apparel as well. I loved the smell of that shop, but I would often just walk out and look out at the giant bus stop, inhaling the diesel fumes from the 30-odd buses in that station. People would still stare at me. It was a small CITY.

I would then walk over to my other uncle's shop called 'THE BUTTON HOUSE'. They sold buttons,thread,needles,zippers, and various other tiny contraptions. Everything in the store was tiny. I would take a box of 200 buttons and then get 10 in a tiny plastic bag and staple them.

I'm somewhere else now. I haven't seen my family in 7 years. I have no real desire to. The last time I spoke with my mother, I yelled at her. Usually I would just respond mono-syllabically, but I guess something snapped in me, and I went off on her about how she makes me feel like shit everytime she calls me. Everything I do is wrong, and stupid. I asked her 'Why do you have such hatred towards me?'. She cried, and then quickly recuperated and started getting angry. And then she said, if you don't want to talk to me, then fine, don't talk to me. I said 'Fine'. We haven't spoken in 8 months.

I self-diagnose. I feel guilty all the time. I feel stupid a lot. Most of the time, I feel lazy. I feel like I should occupy myself with something, so I can stop thinking. I ponder too much. About inconsequential things. My biggest problem is I ponder these aloud to people. The people, they don't look too kindly upon such questions. I am always labeled weird. I think I'm just naturally curious. I'm intensely fascinated with Economics, mainly because of the Freakonomics books, because it really asks questions, that people are afraid to ask. These are the questions I often wonder about.

Some of my questions have to do with family. I've firmly made a conclusion about the non-existence of god. Then my questions go on to things like family. What is the point? Why do people make babies? You are here on earth, and you make babies, and you die? What is the point? I feel like creating more babies is the worst thing you can do. We are already strained on resources, and more importantly, I don't want to create a person like me. I have not figured out the world or anything about it, why would I want to bring someone else into this world of uncertainty.